Kyiv, UA — Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has announced the deployment of several of that country's top military advisors to Portland, Oregon, citing his deep concerns regarding American democracy. The move comes in response to President Trump’s promise to “restore order” to U.S. cities, which Zelenskyy described as “eerily familiar.”
The advisors, veterans of Ukraine’s war against Russian aggression, will assist Portlanders in tactical resistance and urban survival logistics. “We know what occupation looks like,” said Zelenskyy, “and we know how to hold a city block with courage and a smartphone.”
Portland residents, long accustomed to video drones, recycling bin barricades and precision leaf blowers, welcomed the announcement with characteristic enthusiasm. And U.S. Representative Janelle Bynum (D-Oregon) stated unequivocally, “There will be no Federal takeover of Portland... bitches.”
The White House and The Kremlin each released statements condemning the move as “foreign interference,” prompting Ukraine’s UN ambassador to respond, “Resistance to authoritarianism isn't interference. It is a moral imperative - something your leaders apparently can't comprehend.”