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How to Wipe Using One Sheet of Toilet Paper

Singer Sheryl Crow created a minor stir when she recently encouraged us to limit ourselves to a single sheet of toilet paper per bathroom visit, as a way to combat global climate change. While this move may seem a bit drastic, it's actually a simple technique long known to hunters and campers.

Step One: Take a single sheet of single-ply toilet paper [Figure A] and fold it in half. (This is known as a "valley fold" in origami.) Then, fold in half again. Note: Men usually fold edge-to-edge, but ladies may prefer the more fashionable corner-to-corner technique.

Step Two: Tear a small hole from the folded corner [Figure B] just large enough to put your finger through. Set the corner piece aside on a clean surface, then unfold the larger piece and slide it down over your finger so that it covers your thumb and knuckles.

Step Three: Using your finger only, wipe your buttocks thoroughly. Depending on your stool condition, you may need to shake your finger through the toilet bowl water occasionally, but be careful not to get the paper wet.

Step Four: When finished, grasp the sheet of toilet paper firmly [Figure C] and pull up, cleaning and drying your finger in one smooth, even motion. Finally, use the smaller folded piece to clean underneath your fingernail.

Step Five: Seal both pieces in a sturdy envelope and mail to Karl Rove c/o The White House, Washington D.C.

All original content on The Specious Report © Dale McFarland  Political Satire  Redistribution limited to excerpts for non-commercial use only.