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AND SHE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
November 14, 2005
Paris Hilton Not Killed in Car Crash; Nation Mourns
Los Angeles, CA | Rumors circulating throughout Hollywood over the weekend have been confirmed: actress and author Paris Hilton was not involved in a fatal automobile accident.
"Paris Hilton's life has not been tragically cut short," a spokesman told the shocked and weeping crowd holding vigil outside the L.A. County Coroner's office. "A fairy-tale princess, born into wealth and privilege, has not met her untimely demise."
Speculation about Hilton's fate emerged after photos published last week showed her leaving a Las Palmas Avenue nightclub with current boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, behind the wheel of a late model silver Bentley.
Images showed Niarchos driving erratically with a jacket over his head, colliding with a delivery truck, narrowly missing several bystanders, then racing away at a high rate of speed.
"It was irresponsible of him to obscure his vision with something that could be removed so easily," said one witness. "I guess we'll never know why he didn't use something more effective, like duct tape, or even a bucket. The guy's obviously not too bright."
Rumors that the car hadn't later tumbled down a cliff and exploded, or crashed into a gas station igniting a colossal fireball, first met with disbelief. But hope soon faded that stories of Hilton's survival were erroneous.
"I'm devastated," sobbed one ill-wisher. "It really tests your faith. You've got to wonder how God couldn't let this happen."
No candlelight memorial is planned for later this week and the Hilton family has not requested fans make a charitable donation in her name in lieu of sending flowers.
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