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LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL
September 6, 2005
Bush Declares Mission Accomplished in New Orleans
Washington, DC | In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, and accusations of bureaucratic inaction, President Bush reports that the full might of the Federal Government is now concentrating on damage control around the clock.
In a rare admission of error, Bush conceded his administration's response was "not acceptable" and the political fallout had been "worse than imaginable."
But the President offered assurances. "The world saw a tidal wave of disaster descend upon the Gulf coast," he said. "Now they're going to see a tidal wave of buck-passing."
Talking specifically about New Orleans, Bush said, "I am happy to report the looting is now under control, with those responsibilities being taken over by Haliburton and my good friends at the oil companies. And very soon we expect it will be safe enough for opportunistic land developers and out-of-state profiteers to move in."
The President's remarks were made during one of several photo ops staged by chief political advisor Karl Rove.
Each visit Bush makes into a disaster area forces a "no fly" condition, halting the delivery of food, water, doctors and medical supplies. But Rove insisted, "I think we can all agree, the rare opportunity for Dubya to act Presidential is easily worth a slightly higher body count."
Other government agencies offered explanations for their inability to deal effectively with Katrina's aftermath.
"We were caught completely off guard," Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff explained. Who could have imagined a Category Five hurricane would flood a city that's 80% below sea level? Hopefully when al-Q'aeda attacks with weapons of mass destruction, they'll give us a couple of weeks to plan ahead."
Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown insisted, "FEMA was prepared to supply as many first-class Arabian show horses as were needed, but local authorities never asked for our help. It's time to abandon finger-pointing and focus on something other than gross incompetence."
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