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OH, THE HUMANITY!
January 24, 2005
Sri Lanka Pledges $35M in Aid to U.S. Victims of Aniston-Pitt Catastrophe
Colombo, LK | Sri Lankan president Chandrika Kumaratunga today pledged $35 million to help the United States recover from the devastating effects of the Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt break-up.
Some have charged the president was slow in responding to the tragedy, which left many in the U.S. shell-shocked and speechless earlier this month. But Kumaratunga responded to his critics saying, "We've been a little busy lately."
Government relief agencies in this island nation assured the figure was "just a beginning" and would pledge "whatever it takes" to help Americans rebound.
"I'll probably never get over it," confessed a tearful Pat O'Brien. "I feel as if I've lost my family. I was at The Donald's wedding this weekend, and not even Melania Knauss' $120,000 Dior dress and $1.5 million diamond engagement ring could cheer me up."
"The split came completely out of nowhere. It caught everyone totally off guard," recalled Leeza Gibbons, who obviously still found it difficult to talk about.
"Of course, ground zero was Hollywood, but shock waves are still being felt around the world," said Mary Hart. "The exact number of lives that have been effected may never be fully known."
The United Nations Get a Life Foundation released a statement saying, in part, "These people lead such a shallow existence to begin with, how can you give back something they didn't have in the first place? Anyone so preoccupied with celebrity gossip has no life, and probably never will."
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