HOOKED ON FORENSICS
October 21, 2004
America's Thirst for Pointless Debate Has Not Been Quenched
New York City, NY | The unexpected popularity of the Bush-Kerry Presidential debates has sent "reality TV" producers scrambling to satisfy this newly-discovered audience.
"It caught us totally by surprise," admitted veteran reality choreographer Mark Burnett. "Nobody thought the genre could sink any lower. I mean, after you find out that people playing Jenga or eating horse rectums can pass for entertainment, what's left?"
The three Presidential debates drew an estimated 160.4 million viewers, according to Nielsen Media Research. Burnett remarked, "Who could imagine two guys avoiding questions and spouting recycled campaign slogans for ninety minutes would be such a gold mine?"
Every major network is rushing at least one show into production. Currently under development are My Big Fat Obnoxious Rebuttal, Queer Eye for the Closing Statement Guy, Last Polemic Standing and I'm a Red Herring, Get Me Out of Here, just to name a few.
Pay Per View has already scheduled three "celebrity grudge match" events, signing bitter rivals Toby Keith and Natalie Maines, Al Franken and Bill O'Reilly, as well as John Cleese and Billy Connolly. MTV is organizing sudden-death tag-teams to capitalize on East Coast and West Coast hip-hop animosities.
Even PBS is getting in on the action. Antiques aficionados Leigh and Leslie Keno plan a weekly forum for conflicting Tiffany lamp valuations. And Ken Burns has begun filming his twelve-part documentary, Lincoln-Douglas: The Golden Age.
But perhaps the most ambitious project is a proposed 24-hour cable channel devoted entirely to the "PC vs. Mac" debate. Executive producer Mike Wendland says, "Talk about pointless. These people have been arguing non-stop for decades. It makes The Simpsons look like a flash in the pan."
