Political Satire News Parody

The Specious Report ~ 

Spreading Rumors, Half-Truths & Misinformation Since 1789


THEN LET'S TRY A COLD SHOWER
September 8, 2004

Clinton Doctors Rejected Controversial "Lewinsky" Procedure

New York City, NY  |  As the former President recovers from heart surgery, details of a pre-operative medical argument have emerged.

It is now clear that the quadruple bypass Bill Clinton received to correct his life-threatening condition was only one option debated by his medical team.

A source inside New York Presbyterian Hospital said angioplasty was briefly considered, until it became clear Clinton's athrosclerosis was too advanced. In laymen's terms, his arteries were too blocked to be reopened with stints.

But a third option was hotly debated just minutes before Clinton was put under anesthesia.

The radical operation would have involved briefly removing the hardened blood vessels and passing them to a nurse positioned underneath the operating table. The nurse would then have sucked out the build-up, and the relieved organs would have been re-attached.

This untested procedure was seriously discussed only because it was the patient's idea in the first place. But Clinton's doctors finally convinced the former Chief Executive it would be unethical, dangerous, irresponsible and just plain stupid. Plus it might leave a stain on the nurse's uniform.

Afterwards, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton reportedly said, "If the operation didn't kill him, I would have."