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Stupid Warning Labels

We've all seen those overly cautious caveats on the packaging or in the owner's manual meant to fend off any conceivable lawsuit. Warnings like "Caution: Coffee May Be Hot" on styrofoam coffee cups, or "Do Not Eat" on those little dehumidifying packets.

They make us wonder what the world is coming to, and how anyone could possibly get such a notion in their head to use a product in the way described.

So as a testimony to how stupid we are - or how stupid they think we are - here's just a small sample of actual warnings recently brought to our attention.

Bag of airline peanuts: "Caution: May Contain Peanuts"

Package of batteries: "Batteries Not Included"

Spear gun: "Do not point directly at face."

Vacuum cleaner hose: "Keep Away From Penis"

Box of animal crackers: "No animals were harmed during the manufacture of this product."

Bag of potato chips: "Due to the law of averages, some unbroken chips may accidentally be included in this package."

Restaurant bathroom: "Employees must wash hands before spitting in customers' food"

Ashton Kutcher videos: "May cause nausea, headache or drowsiness."

Box of Miracle-Gro plant food: "Not meant to be used on penis."

Bottle of French dressing: «Apprenez svp à parler une langue étrangère, bâtards américains paresseux.»

Cellular telephones: "Frequent use of this product while driving is encouraged by the American Organ Donor Consortium."

Political campaign speeches: "Any claims or promises are meant as entertainment only and do not represent actual product performance."

ATM machines: "Please Do Not Insert Penis"

Coffins in The Democratic Republic of Congo:

Florida voting ballots: "Not Legally Binding"

The Bill of Rights: "May be modified, suspended or discontinued at any time without notice or liability."

SUV gas caps: "A donation in your name has been forwarded to al-Q'aeda."

ShredCo Industrial Penis Slicer: "Not Recommended for Use on Hot Dogs, Sausages or Cucumbers"

All original content on The Specious Report © Dale McFarland  Political Satire  Redistribution limited to excerpts for non-commercial use only.