LOOK WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO MY SONGS, MA
November 2003
Rod Stewart Faces
New Abuse Allegations
Los Angeles, CA | The RIAA's Homeland Security Division has placed Rod Stewart on its "Repeat Offenders" list in the wake of his unthinkable second assault on American traditional popular music.
"If he elects to butcher his own music, that's a matter for an international tribunal," says terrorism expert Nipsy Twizzler. "But the U.S. must not tolerate the continued molestation of innocent classics like It Had to Be You and As Time Goes By. Stewart doesn't sing these beloved chestnuts, he dry-heaves them."
Recent distractions like Iraq and Michael Jackson may be partly to blame for allowing Stewart to slip under the radar. But critics will no doubt ask why obvious warning signals were ignored. In a recent interview, a publicity-hungry Stewart launched bitter attacks against Paul McCartney, Elton John and Sting.
But now the painful reality is that American listeners are no longer safe on American soil.
"Elevators, grocery stores, dentist offices - no place is safe," warns Twizzler. "It could even make its way directly into unsuspecting households without warning via sudden television commercials."
Officials have proposed drastic preventive measures designed to head off another tragic "Ozzy Osbourne type" scenario.
The Billboard Terror Alert Level has been raised to "Red & Green" for December, indicating a severe risk that Stewart could regurgitate a wave of Christmas classics sometime in the near future.
