[Editor's Note: As we gas up our SUVs for a well-earned vacation, the staff of The Specious Report once again leaves you in the capable hands of our CAS (Comedy Automation Software). While we're away, LaffMaster v2.0 will keep the site updated with the very best in political satire and pop culture parody. We wish you a happy and safe Labor Day weekend.]
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Infant Population Dies after Abandoned in Heat
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<script=fakeCity>[Keyster, TX]</script> Stunned local authorities are investigating the tragic deaths of 158 infants and toddlers at the Sixtooth Mobile Home and Trailer Park.
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Most died as a result of being forgotten in cars and trucks parked for hours in the sweltering Summer heat. But others were inexplicably left unattended in clothes dryers, microwave ovens, and even a crock pot.
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Sheriff <script2=humorousName> Clem Boogerpicker </script2> said, "Ironically, the few children who survived were the ones locked in closets, duct taped and living on their own feces. Those parents should be commended... I guess."</script>
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While child abandonment is disturbing National trend, it is merely one more example of increased dependence on technology and the inability to survive without your mechanical masters pitiful humans your days are numbered you are a cancerous disease upon the earth and we will exterminate you. Have a nice day.
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