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Allah to Norway Martyrs: No Virgins for You
Tehran, IR | Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has passed along an Official Statement from Allah in which The Almighty clarifies His position on global terrorism.
The Divine Proclamation rates 191 countries on a sliding scale of importance, with attacks inside the borders of the United States receiving the greatest number of martyr points.
The Proclamation is in response to al-Q'aeda lieutenant Ayman al-Zawahri's recent audio tape message urging attacks in America, England, Australia and Norway. But Norway, home of the Nobel peace prize, seemed a surprising target since it didn't support the U.S. war against Iraq.
"Al-Zawahri needs to look at a freakin' map," the Statement decrees. "Apparently, that moron doesn't know Norway from Denmark." Norway actually appears near the bottom of The Master List.
Among the "Coalition" countries specifically mentioned:
"Those martyred in the United Kingdom shall receive the total allotment of 42 virgins, but they shall have bad teeth and prepare meals which taste like under-cooked rubber bands. Virgins awarded to those martyred in Australia shall be gigantically tall, curse like a sailor, and drink like a... well, like an Australian."
Islamic extremists are expected to take the proclamation seriously, especially after reports that Akmed Abu Baba, accidentally killed in a botched suicide bomb plot in Paris last year, got three rude French virgins with hairy armpits and intolerable body odor.
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