Study: No-Call List
Will Cause Assrapes to Skyrocket
Washington, DC | It is no coincidence that a prison rape elimination bill has been passed by Congress just as the National Do Not Call Registry is due to be activated.
An estimated two million convicts will be put out of work beginning October 1, when the FCC's consumer-friendly service will block an estimated 80 percent of unwanted marketing calls.
The American Telenuissance Association has asked a Federal circuit court to postpone FCC enforcement of the regulations after ATA research suggested that the many career criminals they employ to make junk phone calls will now have nothing to do all day.
ATA president Peter Hondenlul, Inmate #28544, warns, "Without being preoccupied with stealing people's personal information, these guys are gonna start humping each other like there's no tomorrow."
The bipartisan Prison Assrape Elimination Act of 2003 sailed through Congress without dissent this month and immediately received President Bush's signature. It directs the National Institute of Corrections to conduct training and education programs to prevent assrape, and is hoped to combat any increase caused by sudden unemployment.
The FCC predicts no-call registrations will surpass 160 million by next year.
Advocates of an internet "no-spam" list are watching with interest to see how the same concept might be applied to junk email, with violators receiving heavy fines and, ironically, prison sentences.
"I'd love to see spammers doing hard time. If I ever got my hands on one of those punks, I'd split open his little punk ass then cut his fucking throat," said prison chaplain Sean Withertwig.
