Desperate Houseflies

Top Sites:

I Love Bacon
Mad Kane
Studio 8
Ironic Times
Jon Stewart
Mark Fiore

More linkage >>

More Stuff:

Your Ad Here Cheap!

Ad information >>

"Trying to Help"

by Dennis Miller  |  Since thumbing a ride on the Bush re-election juggernaut, I've detected a hint of confusion from some of my new conservative pals. The best advice anyone ever gave me was "Keep It Simple, Stupid!" So with this in mind, I'd like to make a few simple observations for those of you who still don't quite get me. Maybe this can help:

Between Rush Limbaugh and myself, he's the fatter, louder and richer one. Otherwise, we're just two disingenuous egomaniacs who'd rather hobnob with the pompous and powerful than scrutinize them.

When the American Liberal Movement Titanic gets sunk by Bill Iceberg Clinton, and you see an opportunity to jump ship without putting on lip gloss and a sun dress - take it.

If you believe me when I credit my complete sociopolitical one-eighty to hearing a few negative comments about Rudy Giuliani, then you probably also believe a bill that erodes the rights and freedoms of Americans should be called "The Patriot Act."

Anybody wondering why I still have any career at all need only look to Bill O'Reilly, Vince McMahon and Jerry Springer who, along with myself, reaffirm the timeless H. L. Mencken adage "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."

If you think my "comedic references" are obscure or intellectual, then you didn't actually read anything you were assigned to read in high school.

Despite grudging acceptance by some conservatives, I'm not all that funny anymore. When I'm the only one laughing at my jokes, it's usually because half the audience doesn't understand me and the other half doesn't really like me - kinda like when I was on Monday Night Football.

Take this to the bank: You can make more money speaking at just one Republican fundraiser than you can make schlepping the comedy club circuit your entire life. Plus, you get to fly coach on Air Force One.

And last but not least, the next time I'm milking you for cheap applause by saying how President Bush has made me proud to be an American again, you may want to keep these factoids rattling around somewhere in your Lilliputian cranial cavity:

When the world handed us a silver platter-full of sympathy and support after Nine-Eleven, Bush's foreign policies managed to drag America back to "Most Hated Nation" status in less than a year. Hey babe, what did you expect from a guy who, at the time he was defeated into office, had crossed fewer international borders than a monarch butterfly?

Since Bush eighty-sixed more checks and balances, and has less Congressional oversight than any previous administration, he's the most secretive and least accountable President we've ever had. The only way this guy's speeches could be any less credible is if he audio-taped them three months in advance and FedExed a cassette to al-Jazeera.

Bush has turned this country's largest-ever budget surplus into the largest-ever deficit. Meanwhile, he slashed unemployment benefits for out-of-work Americans during the worst economic collapse since the Great Depression, and cut veterans benefits while U.S. troops were being killed and wounded in Iraq. And yet, he boasts the wealthiest cabinet of any administration on record. He's put more criminals on the payroll than a prison laundry room.

But what's most amazing is that he did all this and still logged more vacation days than any President in history. How could I not hitch my wagon to this freakin' supernova? Maybe next time he'll even get a majority of the votes!

I hope this helps.

This article is satire from The Specious Report.
This is a parody and not affiliated in any way with Dennis Miller.

All original content on The Specious Report © Dale McFarland  Political Satire  Redistribution limited to excerpts for non-commercial use only.