FBI Issues Final Report on
Tragic Matt Lauer Haircut
New York City, NY | After millions of dollars and countless man-hours, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has submitted the results of its probe into this National outrage.
"The haircut stems from guilt and self-hatred," the report concludes. "Subconsciously, Mr. Lauer is trying to publicly chastise himself, like a modern version of the stock or the scarlet letter. That it resembles a prison haircut is no coincidence. We conclude Mr. Lauer either committed some grievous offense, or simply believes that he has."
The Bureau received wide criticism for allowing this abomination to slip through its web. Conspiracy theorists have even charged it was a plot to "soften up" an unsuspecting audience and prepare them for the wave of shameless "reality" television programming which was to follow, in which contestants perform humiliating tasks in order to win.
In its report, the FBI flatly denies it knew a haircut was eminent and did little or nothing to prevent it.
"Agents had no specific advance information about the tragedy. Yes, there were vague warnings that a celebrity somewhere was going to do something outrageous. But we receive literally hundreds of similar warnings every week. Unfortunately, this one just got lost among the chatter."
