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Glass Eater Hospitalized by Burger Shards

Newbury, MA  |  A professional glass eater has spent a night in the hospital after accidentally ingesting hamburger meat.

The 34-year-old is a strict vegetarian.

According to witnesses, "Chester the Injester" was performing his usual act at an outdoor Summer fair when he experienced sudden abdominal cramps. He was immediately rushed to an emergency room, where doctors assumed he had been injured by jagged glass. But x-rays revealed nothing unusual.

Further tests concluded Chester was having an allergic reaction to traces of grilled beef.

Chester had performed his sword-swallowing act earlier in the day but recalled first loaning the cutlery to his girlfriend who, as it turns out, had used it to prepare hamburgers for her family picnic.

"I guess this will teach me to wipe things off before I put them down my throat," he later said.

All original content on The Specious Report © Dale McFarland  Political Satire  Redistribution limited to excerpts for non-commercial use only.