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The 12th Annual Al-Q'aeda Achievement Awards
Nominations Dominated by the United States
Islamabad, PK | Controversy surrounds this year's al-Q'aeda Achievement Awards ceremony as, for the first time in its history, nominations from the Great Evil Empire threaten to overshadow the accomplishments of many less-advantaged terrorist competitors.
The annual awards, given in recognition of individuals and groups who have helped to kill, injure, disinform, or generally degrade the quality of life for Americans over the preceding twelve months, have traditionally gone to non-Americans. But that might not be the case this year.
Islamic World Up in Arms
Critics of this year's ceremony complain that the United States has an unfair edge over poorer nations and under-funded terrorist organizations. "How are we expected to compete?" asked sleeper cell ombudsman Kyle Hazeem. "Nothing we do to America can possibly compare with what American is doing to itself."
But al-Q'aeda Board of Regents spokesman Mohamud el-Ramen countered, "The contest rules have never required nominees either to be Muslim or to live in the Middle East. To those who believe they are being short-changed, I can only encourage them to work a little harder next year."
El-Ramen went on to say, "Organizers extend their congratulations to this year's winners, whoever they may turn out to be. Your 40 virgins are waiting for you in Paradise."
Odds-On Favorites to Win
Death and Destruction Category: The U.S. auto industry for aggressively marketing SUVs which kill and maim more Americans every year than did the Sept. 11th attacks, and guarantee continued dependence on Mid East oil. Special Merit: Washington politicians who increase tax incentives for "luxury trucks" and discourage prospective buyers from more fuel-efficient models.
Economic Chaos Category: Enron, Arthur Andersen, Citigroup, WorldCom, Grubman, Merrill-Lynch, Adelphia, Goldman Sachs, Raytheon and Martha Stewart for destroying confidence in the American economy more than al-Q'aeda could ever dream of doing. Honorable Mention: The lawyers, judges and politicians who will make sure their criminal executive buddies never serve hard time in prison.
Disinformation Category: Local, national and cable television news organizations who broadcast endless stories about car chases, shark attacks, celebrity misbehavior and other sensational ratings-grabbers, thereby engendering an ill-informed and uneducated public.
The complete list of official categories and nominees will be announced by al-Qaeda just as soon as a new personal message from Osama bin Laden can be fabricated for public release.
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