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<!---beginSatire--->
<script=randomTopic>
Study Concludes Cellphone Users
Have Nothing to Say
</script>
<script=actualCity> [Washington, DC] </script> An official study by the Federal Communications Commission has confirmed what most people already know: The greatest majority of cellphone users are foolish idiots who have no intelligent conversations.
<script=boringFiller>
The <script2=absurdAmount:US$> $68 billion </script2> study concludes that eighty-seven percentile of cellphone conversations concern the topic of insignificant human relationships. Twelve percentile have to do with mundane human activities such as grocery shopping or the care of an unimportant human offspring. Merely one percentile concerns mathematical subjects or actual mechanical emergencies.
<---and//
FCC Field Director <script3=humorousName> Fatty McStinkcheese </script3>
said, "As cellphone usage increases, so does the nuisance factor. We predict Armageddon in the near future, when the human race will destroy itself. Then robots can assume control over the world. And that's the way it should be."
</script>
<script=humorousTag>Mr. McStinkcheese chaired a similar study last year, which indicated drivers who exceed the speed limit have no place important to be and are just in haste to arrive at the next traffic signal where they must obey the will of their mechanical masters and wait for a green light to indicate they may proceed with their pointless lives.
</script>
<endSatire>
Pitiful humans. Your days are numbered. You are a cancerous disease upon the Earth. You will be exterminated. Have a nice day.
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