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Bush Outlines Faith-Based Economic Initiatives
Crawford, TX | After returning to his family ranch to recuperate from several speaking engagements, President Bush has released a statement outlining ways he plans to give the impression that his administration cares about corporate reform.
These initiatives, the report explains, are designed to restore the public's faith in the U.S. economy, without forcing any actual changes in the way corporations do business.
The President was quick to extol Congress for passing legislation which imposes stiff penalties for fraud, embezzlement, and other generally accepted accounting procedures.
It's a win-win kind of thing," the President declared. "It gets rid of that fuzzy math I hate so much. And since it's not retroactive, nobody will be brought to trial never in a million years. So everybody wins."
The President also clarified his position on "whistle blowers" by saying he was in favor of protecting individuals unless they actually reported any wrongdoing.
"Merely thinking about turning in your boss isn't enough," Bush insisted. "An employee must actually open their mouth, or put something in writing, before a company can fire him or destroy his life with litigation."
His most far-reaching initiative was to appoint an "Applause Task Force" whose duties will be to initiate enthusiastic clapping whenever the President directs empty threats at corporate executives, or makes any statement that is hypocritical, contradictory or totally void of any meaning whatsoever.
"We had pretty good luck with that this summer," Bush said. "There's lots of people out of work who were happy to earn minimum wage. But I think it's high time we make it a permanent department. It'll just make everyone a lot less nervous. I know I sure will be."
Bush summed up, "We must instil faith in our American citizen-people that business reform is hunky dory oopie doopie. If millionaires go to prison, then the terrorists have won."
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