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Monkey Flings Poo by Thinking

Providence, RI  |  Researchers at Brown University announced that a lab monkey, with a brain implant the size of a Milk Dud, showered a group of scientists with feces just by thinking.

This is the latest in a series of experiments that began with rudimentary tests to see if the chimp could move a cursor on a computer screen.

While the results have raised hopes that humans might one day be able to control complex devices with their minds, John Donoghue, Chairman of Neuroscience at Brown, admits this most recent success was sudden and unexpected.

"We were all pleased at the results of the cursor test," said Dr. Donoghue, "But this was amazing! We had no idea kinetic skills would develop so quickly. One moment we were having lunch in the laboratory, the next moment we were covered with monkey shit."

As a result, the direction of future experiments will be altered slightly to focus on the more natural behavior of lower primates, instead of robotics.

Donoghue says new tests will incorporate stealing bananas, riding a unicycle, painting abstract designs while wearing a beret, and lighting cigarettes, as well as hands-free autoerotic stimulation.

All original content on The Specious Report © Dale McFarland  Political Satire  Redistribution limited to excerpts for non-commercial use only.