In a candid statement to the press, Ridge explained, "It took us over a year, but I think the motto we finally agreed upon accurately reflects our main mission. Namely, every time the President's rubber stamp Congress is about to do something unimaginable - like pass legislation restricting freedoms, or rolling back environmental laws, or handing gigantic payoffs to our golf buddies - we'll announce a heightened alert status to distract public awareness and knock everything we're doing off the evening news."

The new Cabinet department will swallow 22 existing agencies with combined budgets of about $40 billion and employ an estimated 170,000 non-union workers. It is the largest government reorganization since the birth of the Defence Department during the Truman administration.

Ridge went on to say, "We almost went with the motto 'E Pluribus Incompetence' because this department will be ridiculously huge - it might even outnumber Washington lobbyists eventually. But there's no way we'll ever really accomplish anything. If you want some idea of just how big a mess this is will be, imagine combining the Post Office and the DMV with the IRS... Oh wait, actually I think we may have done that too!"