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Beatnik 'Lost Tribe' Discovered Living Under New York

New York City, NY  |  Maintenance crews tunneling deep beneath Greenwich Village have unearthed a civilization believed by most historians to be long vanished.

Beatniks were thought to have died out in the mid-1960's. But the nest of around 20 individuals appeared to be thriving and in good health.

NYU Professor of Archaic Studies, Dr. Julianne Fryes said, "There is a slight possibility they could be traced to the 'Non-Conformists' of an earlier epoch. But the goatee beards, dark sunglasses and black leotards almost certainly place their origins in the 1950's."

It is hoped that an accurate carbon-date will be determined from a set of "bongo" drums recovered at the site.

Linguists have already deciphered most of the language used by tribal elders, who refer to each other as "cats" (males) and "chicks" (females). Luckily, their vocabulary is limited to a very few phrases, such as "like wow man," "cool daddy-o" and "I dig it the most."

Anthropologists are doubtful the colony can survive very long on the surface. "They've already 'hipped us' regarding their desire to leave 'Squaresville' and return to their 'pad.' We are inclined to release them from captivity," said Dr. Fryes. "In a world without Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsberg and Dizzy Gillespie, or suitable substitutes, the Beatniks will almost certainly pass into extinction."

All original content on The Specious Report © Dale McFarland  Political Satire  Redistribution limited to excerpts for non-commercial use only.