October 17, 2001

Slim-Fast Linked to Deafness

[Chicago] -- JAMA published findings today linking a weight-loss regimen which includes particular dietary supplements, in combination with certain audio signals, to severe hearing loss.
    This effect was first identified in lab monkeys subjected to Rush Limbaugh radio broadcasts for thirty minutes to one hour a day over a period of eight years.
    "It has long been known that extended exposure to Limbaugh's voice causes poor judgement, antisocial behavior, and a measurable decrease in IQ. But accelerated deafness was evident when test subjects were provided a diet that included any flavor of Slim-Fast shakes," the article concluded.
    Future tests will focus on combining Weight Watchers frozen dinners with The McLaughlin Group, Diet Dr. Pepper with George W. Bush campaign speeches, and marijuana with Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" monologues.