October 17, 2001

Oil Industry Urges Bush to Bomb Elsewhere

[East Texas] -- In a join press release issued by the major U.S. oil companies, President Bush was criticized for bombing the only Middle Eastern country that has absolutely no petroleum resources.
    The statement came after prices for "regular" gasoline at many American pumps dipped below one dollar for the first time in recent memory.
    "Leave it to Dubya to screw things up," it states, referring to recent military actions in Afghanistan. "He couldn't find oil in Texas. Why did we ever think he could find it in the Mideast? His daddy, now there's a guy who knew where to blow things up real good."
    The statement recommends aiming further west. "Start with Iran, then move on to Iraq, Saudi Arabia, even Venezuela. Hell, don't stop till you get to Oklahoma." Even suggesting Bush make use of the Nation's nuclear arsenal, it goes on to state "Nothing would bolster the price of heating oil better than a little nuclear winter."
    In a related story, Ford and GM released a study suggesting the U.S should airdrop SUV's instead of peanut butter.