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FREE WILLY... LIMITED SUPPLY
December 17, 2003
Keiko Secretly Eaten
Oriental Poachers Boast Full Stomachs, Large Erections
Taknesbukta, NO | Authorities confirmed today that Keiko, beloved six-ton killer whale and movie star, has been devoured by a renegade band of Japanese aphrodisiac smugglers.
Keiko died and was secretly buried earlier this week under Norwegian winter darkness to avoid unwelcome attention surrounding the event. But the location was apparently leaked soon after.
Norway's government has repeatedly refused permits to export animals whose sexual organs are larger than those of the average Asian, because it would include all but a few insects and rodents.
It is estimated that over 75% of the world's species are endangered as a direct result of diminutive Pacific Rim genitalia.
David Phillips, executive director of the Free Willy-Keiko Foundation, said, "We wish the Japanese could be more like the Americans, who compensate for their small penises by simply buying bigger automobiles."
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